Monday, August 17, 2009

Monday Musings

~Colin's new phrase, which I happen to like better than the original: "Last one's a Rockin' Egg!"

~Ethan is now officially a bike-peddling fool! He has always loved riding his bike, but, up until now, hasn't figured out the pedals. All of a sudden, that has changed!

~Speaking of Ethan, he bonked his tooth pretty hard last week while fooling around with his brothers. I've been watching it, because every time I brush his teeth, he complains that "my toof hurts, Mommy". I was afraid he hit it hard enough that it may have damaged the nerve. Turns out, it looks like I might be right: last night, Shane noticed that the tooth looked slightly darker than his others. *sniff sniff* A call to the family dentist was promptly placed this morning, to find out what we might need to do about this impending problem. Oh, the teeth issues we have in this family....

~I have concluded that it is nearly impossible to peel the grocery sticker off of a nectarine without taking off some of the skin. Hmmmph.

~We had such a good time, however short, visiting family in Chicago this weekend. I wish we saw them more. It stinks when you have family spread out all over the country.

~Peanut has gone from 'movement' to definite kicks! Felt the first ones last night. So cool.

~Colin's first soccer practice of the year is tonight!

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But, mostly today, I am not musing. I'm thinking deeply about the 'something' that is going to change my whole world this week.

It's the week I have been dreading for several months. Maybe even years.

The first week of school for my eldest baby, Colin.

As I lay in bed last night, lamenting to Shane (again) about 'how on earth I am going to do this on Thursday?' (he goes for an hour and a half on Thursday, and then a full day on Friday), a lump quickly started welling up in my throat. Seems as though I almost can't think of 'Thursday' without that happening.

In no time at all, that lump turned into full sobs.

I just can't help but feel as though my time with Colin is over. I know that may seem silly, especially to moms of older children who have been through this--and I don't mean over over. I know I have many years of Colin still being under our roof--but I just keep feeling like BAM! His baby years, his toddler years, his preschool years.....they have just flown by so quickly, and now.....that's it. They are gone. And, I'll never get them back.

Whew.

It's a tough thought for me to handle.

And, yes, I am crying as I type this.

Don't misunderstand what I am saying here. Shane and I have prayed about this. We have complete peace about sending Colin to school, and frankly, I believe that not only is Colin going to be just fine in Kindergarten (and beyond), but he is going to thrive. To excel. He is just that kind of child that does well at most things--typical firstborn--and I believe he is going to enjoy and love his school and everything about it. He has a wonderful Christian teacher, whom I have talked with at length and like very much; a small class in a rural school that is known to be one of the best school systems in our entire county; and parents who aren't just going to 'sit back and let the school system train their child', but rather, two parents who will be highly active and participatory in every facet of his schooling--from sports, to fine arts, to academics.

It's not Colin I'm worried about.

It's me.

I just keep wondering what on earth I am going to do without him every day.

How many times am I going to think, "I wish Colin were here." "I wonder what Col is doing right now?" "Oh, I wish Col could see this." Or how many times I'm going to hear, "Mommy, where's Colin at?" "Mommy, is Col going to be home soon?" "Can we go see Colin, Mommy?"

I feel like I am going to be utterly lost without my little man. In so many, many ways. It's just going to be so.....different.

This. Is. Not. Fun.

I know I'll be alright. It's quite possible that I am imagining this scenario to be way worse than it is really going to be. I am excited at being able to help Cameron step into the 'big boy of the house' shoes. At teaching him to be Mommy's big helper. At seeing Colin's excitement when he shows me a project or assignment he completed that day. At going to his school events, and being a room mother and a PTA mom.

I know every one goes through this. I just didn't expect it to rip my heart out quite as much as it is.


11 comments:

Leanne said...

Even though we homeschool, I always get that lump in my throat too when it's time for the little ones to start, or when it's time for the older ones to move up! You're not alone in this.

I like the continued updates on Peanut...can't wait to know if Peanut is pink or blue!

Take care.....talk soon!

Mamasita Chimichanga said...

Ok Dev... 2 things....

I was SOOOOO YOU when my Ashton started school. Colin and Ashton's personalities even seem similar. I was TORN up... Ashton had even attended preschool at a local Christian church, but for some reason, leaving him in the hands of a (wonderful, Christian) teacher for the entire day, scared me to death! But I think you will go the first day and be totally proud of yourself. You will see that somehow, the timing of kindergarten is right on. I was totally shocked that it actually felt "right" when I took him. I was like you.... it wasn't him I worried about, it was the fact he wasn't at home with me that was the problem! It's hard to explain, but it feels like once they start school and get in a routine, you almost feel bad that you ever didn't want them to go. Get past that first day, and it will be better!

2nd thing.... if I know Dr. Shepherd, (and I think I do)... he likes 17 week sonograms. Are we finding out soon or what!??!? he he!

Hope you're feelin' good girl!
Kacy =)

Aim said...

don't forget that God gives you the grace to get through by the day and he doesn't give you the grace for the things you are going to face next week until next week comes. that is why things seem so hard to handle before they get here because we want all of Gods grace right away and forget that he will be there every step for every situation whether big or small.

Mary Ann said...

Devin, you are making me want to cry with you! I have been sad about my nieces & nephew going to school - I can't imagine how it would be to send my own child. I'll be praying for you!

Carolyn said...

You are not alone...it is a tough thing to go through. Small piece of advice - live it all the way - don't feel bad or crazy that you are sentimental - live it and feel as you feel (just try not to blubber all over his new backpack!) ALso - make a plan for the morning after you drop him off. When we dropped Reece the first time we left him and cried in the car for a bit and felt like I'd been punched in the gut. We drove home and decided it was not the best idea to go home and sit there watching the clock - we went out and picked out a small and special surprise for him (a ball that we left on his carseat - he was so excited!!). We fought off the urge to call the school every 5 minutes (although I do confess we did call one time to check on him!) and were so relieved when the time finally came to get him. He was as proud as could be that he had been at school - didn't understand why he couldn't bring all of his supplies back home with him - begged for homework (so I had to make some for him) - and it all ended up being just a good memory in the end. Almost the same emotions happened when we took Chase - but amplified a bit to see big brother Reece lead him in and take care of him. There is a deep and amazing pride you feel for your kids during these milestone moments...so...live the day and realize that even though your heart is ripped out - it is worth feeling it!

Love you and will be thinking of you on Thursday! I am sure you will post how it all goes!!!

Jen said...

Devin-
You know that I am thinking of you. Wish I had something profound to say . . . but I think what Aimee said was great! It is so very true. Love ya!

Shelly said...

oh boy. don't even get me started! my little amelie is headed to half day preschool (5 days a week!! ahh!!!) this year and it's killing me! i've been thinking, what am i going to do without her? she's so fun! she's so helpful! she's my pint sized best friend! on the one hand, i'm thankful that she's thriving and growing and ready for new things but on the other....well, you know, i just want to keep her 4 and a half forever =)

Kara said...

Sweet Devin, I am praying for you and hopefully will call you to chat later today. I pray God's comfort for you on Thursday!

Brittany said...

The above commenter is right. Don't go home and watch the clock the first day. Take the other two to the library or something fun. We always celebrate the end of the first day of school with ice cream from The Chill.

I highly recommend you make time to volunteer in his classroom. I found a way to have someone stay with my littles while I went to school and spent the day with her, or even just a couple of hours. Our school also allows the parents to come in and eat lunch with their student. So, sometimes, I'd take the kids and we'd go eat lunch together.

Usually with K, they want you to wait a few weeks until your student is well aclimated with the rules and life at school, but then the help in the classroom and lunch time is welcome.

It also gave me and that one child some fun one on one time together.

Julie said...

Aww Dev! You made me cry thinking about Col going to school, because that will be Puckey next year. I'll call you Thursday or Friday, if you want!!

Hope little E's tooth is okay!!

Kathy said...

Oh mama, seeing them grow up is so hard. Prayers for you and the big guy as you embark on this new journey...

Much love lady...