Monday Musings

~Colin's new phrase, which I happen to like better than the original: "Last one's a Rockin' Egg!"

~Ethan is now officially a bike-peddling fool! He has always loved riding his bike, but, up until now, hasn't figured out the pedals. All of a sudden, that has changed!

~Speaking of Ethan, he bonked his tooth pretty hard last week while fooling around with his brothers. I've been watching it, because every time I brush his teeth, he complains that "my toof hurts, Mommy". I was afraid he hit it hard enough that it may have damaged the nerve. Turns out, it looks like I might be right: last night, Shane noticed that the tooth looked slightly darker than his others. *sniff sniff* A call to the family dentist was promptly placed this morning, to find out what we might need to do about this impending problem. Oh, the teeth issues we have in this family....

~I have concluded that it is nearly impossible to peel the grocery sticker off of a nectarine without taking off some of the skin. Hmmmph.

~We had such a good time, however short, visiting family in Chicago this weekend. I wish we saw them more. It stinks when you have family spread out all over the country.

~Peanut has gone from 'movement' to definite kicks! Felt the first ones last night. So cool.

~Colin's first soccer practice of the year is tonight!

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But, mostly today, I am not musing. I'm thinking deeply about the 'something' that is going to change my whole world this week.

It's the week I have been dreading for several months. Maybe even years.

The first week of school for my eldest baby, Colin.

As I lay in bed last night, lamenting to Shane (again) about 'how on earth I am going to do this on Thursday?' (he goes for an hour and a half on Thursday, and then a full day on Friday), a lump quickly started welling up in my throat. Seems as though I almost can't think of 'Thursday' without that happening.

In no time at all, that lump turned into full sobs.

I just can't help but feel as though my time with Colin is over. I know that may seem silly, especially to moms of older children who have been through this--and I don't mean over over. I know I have many years of Colin still being under our roof--but I just keep feeling like BAM! His baby years, his toddler years, his preschool years.....they have just flown by so quickly, and now.....that's it. They are gone. And, I'll never get them back.

Whew.

It's a tough thought for me to handle.

And, yes, I am crying as I type this.

Don't misunderstand what I am saying here. Shane and I have prayed about this. We have complete peace about sending Colin to school, and frankly, I believe that not only is Colin going to be just fine in Kindergarten (and beyond), but he is going to thrive. To excel. He is just that kind of child that does well at most things--typical firstborn--and I believe he is going to enjoy and love his school and everything about it. He has a wonderful Christian teacher, whom I have talked with at length and like very much; a small class in a rural school that is known to be one of the best school systems in our entire county; and parents who aren't just going to 'sit back and let the school system train their child', but rather, two parents who will be highly active and participatory in every facet of his schooling--from sports, to fine arts, to academics.

It's not Colin I'm worried about.

It's me.

I just keep wondering what on earth I am going to do without him every day.

How many times am I going to think, "I wish Colin were here." "I wonder what Col is doing right now?" "Oh, I wish Col could see this." Or how many times I'm going to hear, "Mommy, where's Colin at?" "Mommy, is Col going to be home soon?" "Can we go see Colin, Mommy?"

I feel like I am going to be utterly lost without my little man. In so many, many ways. It's just going to be so.....different.

This. Is. Not. Fun.

I know I'll be alright. It's quite possible that I am imagining this scenario to be way worse than it is really going to be. I am excited at being able to help Cameron step into the 'big boy of the house' shoes. At teaching him to be Mommy's big helper. At seeing Colin's excitement when he shows me a project or assignment he completed that day. At going to his school events, and being a room mother and a PTA mom.

I know every one goes through this. I just didn't expect it to rip my heart out quite as much as it is.