"Trying for a girl"

I knew that, if we decided to find out the sex of the baby and it turned out to be a girl, I would hear it.

"Oh....you're finally getting your girl!"

Or, some version of that same phrase.

"Finally--a girl!"

"Well, it's a good thing it's a girl this time around!"

Or, the absolute worst:

"Now you can be done! You've got your girl!"

Ugh.

That phrase, while I know almost 100% of the time is nothing but well meaning, really....well....irks me. It normally comes from people who don't know me well, so I don't think too much about it. When I do sit and ponder it though, it becomes quite bothersome; and today, I just felt like I wanted to clear the air, if you will, and divulge my feelings on the subject.

Something that I didn't think I would share with anyone (but now, for various reasons, have obviously decided to) is that, when Shane and I were in that sono room back in July and the tech announced that we were going to be the parents of a little girl, I began to cry.

They were mixed tears--not instant tears of all joy.

There was a part of me that was sad. Really sad.

I knew beforehand it might be like that, too--that was part of the reason why I initially did not want to find out the sex of the baby.

I love my boys. Let me repeat: I love my boys. I would hope that anyone that comes within 10 feet of me and stays for a moment would know that. And I was looking forward to having another one. I was so certain this baby was another boy--it's just how we apparently did things around here--and I was thrilled about that.

We were not, in any way, trying for a girl. When Shane and I decided to try again, it was for another baby. Not a girl.

I know that, most likely, this will be our last child. And, it was weird--I felt like, no matter what the sex of the baby turned out to be, I would be happy--yet, I also felt like I was going to be....disappointed in some way.

I know. I know. It's weird. (Well, I'm weird. So, really, that takes care of that.)

Let me explain what I mean.

I love little boys. I would have loved to have had another one. But, I knew that if that sono tech told me that this Peanut was a boy, then I would know in that moment that I was probably never going to be the mother of a little girl. And I felt like that would be disappointing. Very much so.

I also love little girls. I don't have any of my own, of course, but I have nieces and almost-as-if-they-were-my-own-nieces. *grin* I knew I would love to have a girl. But, I knew if that sono tech told me that this was a little girl, then I would probably never be a Momma to another boy again. And, I felt like that would also be disappointing.

See my dilemma?

I knew, on the other hand, that if we waited to find out, that when the baby came out and they shouted, "It's a ----!", that that moment would be wonderful, and no matter what the sex of the baby was, there would be no disappointment found anywhere in the room.

At least, that was how it all played out in my mind, anyway.

Now, please don't misunderstand what I am saying here--I am absolutely thrilled that God has bestowed a daughter to our family. Beyond excited. I am loving all the cute girlie things I am seeing, almost as if for the first time, and enjoying thinking about all things pink and purple.

{So is Shane. But don't tell him I told you.}

And, my emotions in that sono room very very quickly turned to happiness. Tears of sheer joy.

But I can tell you this from the absolute most honest place in my heart--had the gender been a boy, I would have been crying those same tears of sheer joy.

I don't know why--but it bothers me to think that people would think any differently.