Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Trying for a girl"

I knew that, if we decided to find out the sex of the baby and it turned out to be a girl, I would hear it.

"'re finally getting your girl!"

Or, some version of that same phrase.

"Finally--a girl!"

"Well, it's a good thing it's a girl this time around!"

Or, the absolute worst:

"Now you can be done! You've got your girl!"


That phrase, while I know almost 100% of the time is nothing but well meaning, really....well....irks me. It normally comes from people who don't know me well, so I don't think too much about it. When I do sit and ponder it though, it becomes quite bothersome; and today, I just felt like I wanted to clear the air, if you will, and divulge my feelings on the subject.

Something that I didn't think I would share with anyone (but now, for various reasons, have obviously decided to) is that, when Shane and I were in that sono room back in July and the tech announced that we were going to be the parents of a little girl, I began to cry.

They were mixed tears--not instant tears of all joy.

There was a part of me that was sad. Really sad.

I knew beforehand it might be like that, too--that was part of the reason why I initially did not want to find out the sex of the baby.

I love my boys. Let me repeat: I love my boys. I would hope that anyone that comes within 10 feet of me and stays for a moment would know that. And I was looking forward to having another one. I was so certain this baby was another boy--it's just how we apparently did things around here--and I was thrilled about that.

We were not, in any way, trying for a girl. When Shane and I decided to try again, it was for another baby. Not a girl.

I know that, most likely, this will be our last child. And, it was weird--I felt like, no matter what the sex of the baby turned out to be, I would be happy--yet, I also felt like I was going to be....disappointed in some way.

I know. I know. It's weird. (Well, I'm weird. So, really, that takes care of that.)

Let me explain what I mean.

I love little boys. I would have loved to have had another one. But, I knew that if that sono tech told me that this Peanut was a boy, then I would know in that moment that I was probably never going to be the mother of a little girl. And I felt like that would be disappointing. Very much so.

I also love little girls. I don't have any of my own, of course, but I have nieces and almost-as-if-they-were-my-own-nieces. *grin* I knew I would love to have a girl. But, I knew if that sono tech told me that this was a little girl, then I would probably never be a Momma to another boy again. And, I felt like that would also be disappointing.

See my dilemma?

I knew, on the other hand, that if we waited to find out, that when the baby came out and they shouted, "It's a ----!", that that moment would be wonderful, and no matter what the sex of the baby was, there would be no disappointment found anywhere in the room.

At least, that was how it all played out in my mind, anyway.

Now, please don't misunderstand what I am saying here--I am absolutely thrilled that God has bestowed a daughter to our family. Beyond excited. I am loving all the cute girlie things I am seeing, almost as if for the first time, and enjoying thinking about all things pink and purple.

{So is Shane. But don't tell him I told you.}

And, my emotions in that sono room very very quickly turned to happiness. Tears of sheer joy.

But I can tell you this from the absolute most honest place in my heart--had the gender been a boy, I would have been crying those same tears of sheer joy.

I don't know why--but it bothers me to think that people would think any differently.


Susan said...

I know what you mean. When we were pregnant last time, we knew it was going to be our last baby and we made kind of a big deal about how we really wanted to have a girl and that if we found out we were having a boy, that we were going to be disappointed. That was obviously before we realized that we were going to be part of this dreaded 'club'.

When we found out our baby died, and that he was a boy, my husband and I both had some guilt to work through. We knew that it wasn't anything that we had done or said that made our baby go to Heaven, and we also knew that we would have been just as overwhelmed with joy when we did find out that he was a boy, but we still had that feeling like we let our little boy down. So when we became pregnant again, it was a difficult thing when people would ask us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy....We were hoping for a live, healthy baby (and still are).

It's been very bittersweet to find out that we are getting the girl we at one time had been hoping for, but also feel such sadness and guilt that our baby boy had to die in order for his sister to come into this world. In some ways it has been easier, I think, to be preparing for a girl instead of a boy, but in other ways has made it more difficult. All I know is that this whole experience has changed me and that our attitudes became that of just praying for a healthy baby.

Anonymous said...

Such a great post!! I have boy/girl twins (almost 4 yrs old) and I always get the comment...."you are so lucky, one of each, now your done." After years of infertility all I wanted was a baby to love, that we got two was such a blessing. I didn't find out what I was having because it really didn't matter to me. What I would give to add to my family, boy or girl!! I think it is one of those things that people just say without giving any thought....

Melissa said...

I'm glad you shared that. I have felt the same way about people's reactions to those having boys vs girls. I have one of each and we are expecting #3, a boy. When people ask what they were having they say and I answer boy, 9 times out of 10 they say, oh well you had one of each anyways...what's that supposed to mean?! And most people are surprised we are having a third since we had one of each already. Seems like I often hear an implication in reactions that if you aren't getting a girl it's second best, but maybe it's just me. I LOVE having a boy and I LOVE having a girl and whether I had all of one or the other wouldn't change how much I love any of them! :) They are very different, but both genders are wonderful and amazing and perfect to have. I'm so glad you are getting to experience a girl this time around, but totally understand your feelings on boys and the whole last child thing. Thanks for sharing :).

Anonymous said...

So true! We are having our third and everyone says "Oh, you must have wanted a third so you can get your boy?" Drives me nuts and irks me to no end! Not sure why it gets under my skin? But, like you said we didn't try for another so that we could have a boy....we tried b/c we wanted another baby. At our u/s yesterday we found out we were having a boy. I am thrilled but then all the comments came...finally your boy! You must be so happy to get your boy! Your husband must be thrilled? We are thrilled but we are thrilled b/c the baby is healthy and everything looks perfect. We would have been so happy w/another girl but are overjoyed w/our boy.....

Jen said...

Good post Dev! I get the . . . well, you guys can be done because you have one of each. That's not the point. There are many more factors that go into deciding to have another baby that do not include the sex of the baby. I like that you said you were trying to have a baby, not girl. I would be equally happy for you if you were having a boy!

Kara said...

are you reading my mind again!

Unknown said...

So ladies! I think it's about time we all speak up and let 'those' people know that ALL children are a blessing no matter what gender and even if we have our boy/ girl and still decide that 2 isn't where God wants us to settle that is just more joy that will be poured out on us!
The world is wrapped up in the easy/rich life and let's face it. The more children we have does mean more bills etc. but why not? Were we not told to be fruitful and multiply? Why does having a girl and a boy mean that we did our duty for the world.
I have many days where I wish so badly I had my 3rd child because that would have meant I had 3 children 2 and under for. Let them try to figure that one out! :)

Way to go dev on the topic!!!!

Julie said...

I remember when I was pregnant with Jib, and people were like, you know what causes that, right? Like she was a mistake. Used to make me SO mad!!

Now people ask Ande if we're going to try for a boy, since he has only daughters biologically.


Theresa said...

Great post Devin! I'm honored you felt you could share the most honest places of your heart with us. I constantly hear the "One of each...Oh so you're done having kids then." and it can be a little annoying. Yes we are done but only because the delivery with my second baby took it's toll on my body and was advise not to have anymore children for the sake of me and the baby. It's not easy being told you can't have anymore and there are days I think it makes me want another one even more. If I had my way I'd be pregnant again right now. I am so delighted you both have been blessed with the peanut you've always wanted, a healthy and soon to be very happy baby!

Shelly said...

oh girl--do i understand THAT story! it always amazes me when people say--Oh--now you have your boy--you can be done! or aren't you glad it's a boy and not another girl!
HECK NO! i'm so stinkin' glad i have a healthy baby i don't care whether God chose to give me a girl or a boy--i'm thankful that He chose to give me any child at all! anyways, yay for your baby--no matter what brand! (although, i DO think it's cool to have at least one of each =)

Leanne said...

I so get it! I mean, I REALLY get it! Those things that people say irk me as well, because it shows ignorance and nosiness! Lol!

I appreciate you being able to be honest and feeling safe being honest about the whole issue.

I can identify...When I was pregnant with Lucie, our 7th girl, we were all, deep down, hoping and praying for a boy. And I know that everyone was a bit disappointed when we found out that Daddy would have one more little girl to give away to another man in the future....

I can also, sadly, identify with Susan's feelings too. And my heart hurts so badly for her right now. Such a club....And I know how it is to rejoice in just carrying to fruition a healthy baby. I know you do too.

I have lots of thoughts on this subject. Would that we could go out to coffee together and pick each other's brains and hearts!

I imagine part of you was scared stiff too at the thought of having a girl, an essentially foreign creature in your house and you may have no idea about how to raise a girl and if you'll understand her or be a good mama to a girl...

I have those thoughts all the time when I think about having a boy!!! Scares me silly!

But I know that God gives us the very baby He desires us to have because each one teaches us what He wants us to learn.

Thanks so much for sharing.

asplashofsunshine said...

I literally just came from facebook where two of my sisters are talking about ultrasounds. Both are newly pregnant (7 weeks and 12 weeks). Both are nearly jumping out of their skin waiting for their ultrasounds to find out the sex of the babies. It is a bit of a long story, but to make it simple one of my sisters is nearly the opposite of you. She has 2 girls and tried sooooooo hard to have a boy this time. She has actually said how sad she would be if she would have a 3rd girl. It makes me so sad. I subtly mentioned how sad that is to my dad, and his response was, "Well, that's because you have one girl and one boy. You don't know what it is like to have one sex."

It is so refreshing to read your blog today. While I do have only 2 children, and I do have one girl and one boy, I do understand. I hear ALL the time that my family is complete just because we have "one of each". My children complete my family because they are my babies, not because they are one sex or the other.

Congratulations on your newest little sweetheart! I can imagine that it would be every little girls dream to have big brothers to guide her and protect her, along with loving parents too. Enjoy every moment of the pregnancy!

Kathryn said...

Hi Devin,

First of all, thank you SO much for the lovely comment you left on my blog. Madison's story is and will always be difficult to write, but if it can be a help to anyone else that finds themselves in that situation, then I'm happy to share it. I am actually talking to someone about putting it all in book form. I'm excited about that.

Madison was my first child, so my two subsequent pregnancies I just prayed for a healthy baby. I just wanted a "live" baby, and didn't care what sex it was. God gave me one of each, and then I had to stop. My last baby (another girl) about killed me, and we were both fortunate to make it through the pregnancy. It was a VERY emotional pregnancy when I found out she was a girl. Her due date was one day after Madison's, so it was like reliving that whole pregnancy again.

Thank you again for your comment...I am deeply sorry for your SIL's loss. I would love for her to read our story, and to be a help to her any way I can.

Have a great weekend...

Love, Kathryn

Kathy said...

A resounding 'Amen' my friend. Well said. And so proud of you for saying it.

So much love.

Robin Bair said...

What drives me nuts about it is that people somehow think WE are "planning" what is in God's hands. I feel what you're saying. I can't tell you how it makes me feel when people you're so lucky to get both at one you can be done. fact is we will only be able to get pregnant again if God works some sort of miracle. we'd love to have more and somehow because we've met their idea of the "perfect" of's ok to say that. I think in general people are way too quick to offer their opinion on our child bearing. I mean as soon as you get married the pressure is on. It's all in God's hands......and how blessed we are to be able to have the blessing of children...great post. :)

boltefamily said...


Kenzie said...

Girl, obviously so many people agree with you! I heard that ALL the time when I was pregnant with Maddox (before we and then later when they didn't know) saying "oh... another boy... boys are fun I guess." Ugh, I think I was so bothered by that and then it actually made me start thinking, well, maybe I should just want a girl. THEN when we got pregnant with Faith Clare right after Maddox died, I heard lots of "oh, I bet you hope it's a girl" or when we found out and people didn't know "Oh, I bet you are so excited to have one of each." I wanted to scream "I don't have one of each, I have TWO BOYS and this little girl." Anyways, it does baffle me how people can just assume anything! I totally get it girl. For sure!

Unknown said...

I loved this post. I am pregnant with our third little boy who is due in just a month. I feel so blessed that the Lord picked us to be his parents. He knew that we would have three little boys and I love them dearly. I really don't think people realize how hurtful some comments are. I would never trade my boys for the world. When people say, "Are you sad", "You are so girly I always thought you would have a girl", or "You really need to try one more time for a girl", I just want to scream and say the Lord blessed us with a precious gift. We struggled to get pregnant with the first two and this is an extra blessing so I feel blessed beyond belief. While I love little girls too, I am totally in love with my boys and love being their mommy. Thanks so much for your words!!!

Kathryn said...

I feel the exact same way! I have 2 young boys and when I was pregnant w/ my 2nd, I heard all the time, "Oh, I'm so sorry." and "Well, that sucks! (Yes! Someone actually told me that!) What do you have to be sorry about? It's a BABY. Sorry, didn't mean to rant but it's a sore subject for me!

Brittany said...

This post is so much how I feel/felt. We got the opposite of "I bet you're so glad you FINALLY got your boy." We were so happy to HAVE a baby with an actual HEARTBEAT that we didn't care if it was a boy or girl. After 4 losses, ANY baby was going to be loved regardless of gender. We are/were thrilled to get Nathan, our "Gift from God". We just felt blessed that God allowed us the joy of having another healthy baby.

Thank you for sharing your heart.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Thanks! We have 2 girls and I am expecting our 3rd child (a boy) at the beginning of Feb. Once we found out, we constantly hear "now you get your boy" and "now you can be done." We when found out we were pregnant, we figured this is our last baby, regardless of the sex, however, never told anyone that this is probably it, so it is irritating that people assume we will be done since we will now have a boy.