One of the workshops that I went to at the Hearts at Home conference was called Can-Do Mom.
It was all about: Perfectionism.
Perfectionist? Me? Oh, nononononono.
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Quiz: Are you a perfectionist? Answer Yes, Sometimes, or No.
Do I spend time evaluating myself?
Do I think in terms of ALL or nothing?
Do I think I should have my act together by now?
Do I wonder why other people don't have their acts together by now?
Do I have expectations that are unrealistic considering my surroundings?
Is good rarely good enough?
Am I compelled to straighten out misunderstandings?
Will I NOT begin something if I think there is a possibility that I will not do it well?
Do I feel that, most of the time, God is disappointed with me?
If you answered yes to more than three of those questions, you have perfectionist tendencies.
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Perfectionist? Me?
Well....maybe so.
{Ummmm--I'm not even going to tell you how many I answered either sometimes or yes to....but that whole 'unrealistic expectations considering my surroundings' one hit me hard. Like, expecting my house to not only be clean but, dare I say, shiny when I have three boys under five roaming around like herds of elephants through it everyday? Hmmmph.}
Truth be told, I know I am a perfectionist.
Duh. That's why I took the class. *snicker*
While it wasn't my favorite workshop, I did glean some good nuggets of information that I wanted to share with any other closet perfectionists who may be reading.
***When we live life obsessed with perfection, we often accomplish less.***
Boy, ain't that the truth?
Let me just use myself as the negative example here: Usually, I am not "happy" in the morning until my kitchen has returned to my definition of a "normal state" after breakfast. However, if I truly examined what I was trying to accomplish in the kitchen, "my definition of a normal state" would more appropriately be called "this kitchen needs to be spotless/perfect again before I can move on and do something else."
Of course, we all know that normally, a clean and shiny kitchen is accomplished about 12 minutes before lunch is about to roll around. And, when lunch rolls around, what happens? Things just get messy all over again.
Argh. It makes me crazy.
But it doesn't have to, and that is the point that I am trying to make.
Imagine what I could have accomplished if I weren't living in the perfectionist world, but rather the realistic one. How much time was devoted to doing something that was just going to get ruined again in no time?
I mean, I can clean up a general mess in the kitchen in about 15 minutes. But making it shiny....well, that takes slightly more effort. *grin*
What I am not trying to do here is excuse myself or anyone else from cleaning or any other chores (sorry ladies); but rather to change my mindset about why I am doing what I am doing and the way I go about accomplishing it.
I don't need to have a shiny kitchen--but a clean one is obviously a necessity. What I need to do is to clean up and get my work done so that I can move on to other, more important things. Like, for example, playing with/reading to/teaching my boys.
After all, we all know the saying that, when we get to heaven, it isn't going to matter how clean our kitchens were or if you could have eaten off of our floors--what will matter is if we made a difference in the heart of a child.
The kitchen is just one example, but I can think of many others in my own life. The important thing in this cleaning area is focusing on the bones of what truly needs to be done, and doing it well, rather than focusing on always achieving perfection, so that, in turn, our focus can be shifted to what really matters.
It's accomplishing the have-to's so we can get to the want-to's.
***We often say yes to too much. Taking on too much will only overwhelm and frustrate us; however, we do it anyway because we don't want anyone to think "She can't handle it...."***
The season of toddlers is an overwhelming season of life--especially if you have more than one roaming your house. This is a time of life when we most likely will need to sit back or sit out of activities. We, as wives and mothers, need to make sure our focus is on making ourselves available for our husband (who generally gets neglected at the end of a day filled with screeching children with numerous demands), our children (quality time, not just time spent fulfilling a need), and most importantly, our relationship with Christ.
Those three things are usually the quickest to end up at the bottom of the proverbial pile when we are taking on too many responsibilities or activities--even good activities, such as church-related or volunteer work.
***Do less, but be more effective. Find a plan that works for you, and follow it.***
Now, our speaker gave the plan she has designed for herself, but the most important thing is to make a plan that works for you and your family. We all have different jobs, needs, kinds and numbers of children, financial situations. Your plan has to work for your family, and that's it. A few of the things she mentioned that I liked and thought would be good to implement in our family:
1. Family doesn't get the "time leftovers". Family time should come first in your scheduling, rather than just being fitted in between the cracks of everything else. This might include anything from family game nights to family devotions.
2. Make one great, home-made meal each week. The rest should still be yummy, but easy and quick! I really liked this one, because I have always tried to make it a point to make special (and not-always-so-easy) meals for my family each weeknight.
Now, granted, we do have our chicken nugget/mac-n-cheese nights every once in a while, but generally, I cook something different every night of the week. I plan a three to four week menu that includes a different dinner for every night, and then I do a big grocery shopping trip and get everything I need all at once.
You heard me right--I grocery shop, on average, once a month.
It is a huge undertaking, but it benefits our family greatly in that I am not at the store (and that translates into less impulse buying!) once or twice or more times each week. It saves money, it saves time, and at any given time during that three/four week period, I know that I can go to my fridge/pantry and have everything I need to make several different meals. We always get a great variety that way.
{Now, before I get questions about this, let me just say that I do have an extra fridge and an extra deep freezer; I also do have to make a couple of quick stops at my local grocery for milk and/or fresh fruits and veggies, since they don't stay good for that long.}
My new plan is to actually keep my same grocery shopping strategy--'cause I love it and it works for us!--but incorporate simpler foods into my menu each week. So, for the week, I hope to plan: one family favorite; one crock-pot meal; one 'home style' meal that takes a bit more effort than normal; and the rest will be easy, quick things that I can have from the fridge to the table in under 30 minutes! I'm loving it already, by the way...
3. Laundry: everyone helps. Even the smallest children can be taught to put clothes in a hamper, and bigger ones can help by taking dirties to the laundry room or sorting whites from darks. Just like with anything else, when everyone pitches in a little bit, the job gets done much more efficiently.
The bottom line is that perfectionists like order and control, and life is just not like that. Life is messy. {Life with a husband and three boys five and under is very messy, by the way.} My wants are not what needs to be at the center of my decision making, but rather what Jesus would want for me and my family!
No one person can always do all the jobs it takes to be a 'great mom'. There will be areas where we are great, but there will be many areas where we are much weaker.
And that is where it all falls back to Jesus: Paul says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.'" (II Cor. 12:9)
Isn't it wonderful to know that God can use us through our weaknesses?
Yeah....I thought so, too.
{p.s. I'd love to hear any feedback you other perfectionists might have!}
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