I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again: Life looks very different after miscarriage.
You can enter any trauma--infant death, loss of an adult child, loss of a parent, a house burning down, a car accident--it doesn't matter what the event is. The point is how different life looks after you go through it.
Today was my first doctor's appointment for my little peanut. I was excited and scared to death. All at the same time.
I dropped my boys off at a friends house (and, may I just take this opportunity to thank the Lord for amazing friends!) and headed about 35 minutes away to my doctor. I was doing fine.
Until I entered the parking garage. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was instantly sick to my stomach. All I could think about was the what-ifs. The negatives. The 'something is not right here' scenarios.
I checked in and was called back right away. After drinking the glucose drink and answering 984 questions among 17 sheets of paperwork, I was ready for the nurse to do the heart rate check.
I laid back, and my heart started pounding.
The nurse poked and prodded with the Doppler, and....nothing.
"I don't really do this very much," she said. "Let me go get one of the nurses who has more experience, and have her come in and find it. Don't worry." she said. She knew my situation, and could see the slight panic on my face.
So, after a few moments, nurse number two comes in, and the same scenario ensued. Prodding, nudging....they were getting a heart beat here and there, but both nurses said it was too low to be the baby's--that it was probably mine they were picking up.
That's about when the tears came.
I'm 14 1/2 weeks. They should be picking up a heartbeat with no problem by this point. Oh, I can't believe this. All of this is happening again....and I was so sure this time. So sure everything was going alright. Wait.....what am I talking about? I wasn't sure. That's why I was sick in the car before I came in, for heaven's sake! And now, here I am, alone, and gonna have to go through all this all over again....
The nurses told me again not to worry. "I'm going to go get Dr. S." the nurse said.
So, they left, and I waited. I texted Shane to let him know what was going on, and he was as incredulous as I was. He comforted me as best he could, and told me he was praying.
I just stopped my entire thought process right there and began to pray. I started to think over a verse that my friend had texted me before going in the office. I knew that I could give all my cares over to Jesus, because he cared so much for me. And I did. I was still nervous, still upset, but I knew, either way, that everything was going to be okay--one way or the other.
A bit later (wow, those 'few minute' waits can seems like hours!) my doctor came in with the portable sono machine. He took one look at me, grabbed my hand, and then started in. Immediately, he said, "Girl...this baby is fine! Look at him! Wiggling all around like a mad fool in there!"
I could certainly see the wiggling, but it still seemed to me that the baby could be wiggling from all the prodding on my belly. I was still uncertain.
"So, where is the flicker? I don't see a heart beating on there--does anyone else see it?"
I never did see the heart beating on screen, but my doctor assured me that he saw it, as well as the nurse. I don't know why, but even after their assurance, I still had doubt.
Being removed from the situation, I now know what that was that was causing my doubt. That was the devil, doing his best to keep that fear instilled in me. It worked for awhile, that's for sure.
I waited around for a while, because I had some labs to be done, and then I had to meet with my Nurse Practitioner for some basic stuff. At the end of the appointment, she asked, "Do you want to hear the heartbeat one more time?"
Oh, how I did.
She went and got the Doppler. It took her a while to find it too--seems like this is just a squirmy little kid! But, find it she did, and we listened for over a minute and a half to a very strong, 138 beats per minute heartbeat.
Aaaaaaaaahh.
There is nothing like that sound.
I am rejoicing today that all seems well--and that I got to both hear and see my little peanut. (Side note here: I saw a perfectly round head, the whole spine, and even the little nubs *grin* of arms and legs forming! What. A. Miracle. There are just no other words.)
Many women come and go during their prenatal appointments with no thoughts of anything negative. For three pregnancies, I was that woman. But, things have changed--for me, and for so many others who have endured tragedies. Life looks very different after a miscarriage. This, in some strange way, is now my 'new' normal.
I know there will be an element of me that will be like this every appointment. An element that fears the unknown, fears what 'could be'. But, I also know that that fear is not from God, and I am praying that He is able to take that from me and give me peace.
All in all....it was a great day.
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