Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Peanut's first appointment

I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again: Life looks very different after miscarriage.

You can enter any trauma--infant death, loss of an adult child, loss of a parent, a house burning down, a car accident--it doesn't matter what the event is. The point is how different life looks after you go through it.

Today was my first doctor's appointment for my little peanut. I was excited and scared to death. All at the same time.

I dropped my boys off at a friends house (and, may I just take this opportunity to thank the Lord for amazing friends!) and headed about 35 minutes away to my doctor. I was doing fine.

Until I entered the parking garage. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was instantly sick to my stomach. All I could think about was the what-ifs. The negatives. The 'something is not right here' scenarios.

I checked in and was called back right away. After drinking the glucose drink and answering 984 questions among 17 sheets of paperwork, I was ready for the nurse to do the heart rate check.

I laid back, and my heart started pounding.

The nurse poked and prodded with the Doppler, and....nothing.

"I don't really do this very much," she said. "Let me go get one of the nurses who has more experience, and have her come in and find it. Don't worry." she said. She knew my situation, and could see the slight panic on my face.

So, after a few moments, nurse number two comes in, and the same scenario ensued. Prodding, nudging....they were getting a heart beat here and there, but both nurses said it was too low to be the baby's--that it was probably mine they were picking up.

That's about when the tears came.

I'm 14 1/2 weeks. They should be picking up a heartbeat with no problem by this point. Oh, I can't believe this. All of this is happening again....and I was so sure this time. So sure everything was going alright. Wait.....what am I talking about? I wasn't sure. That's why I was sick in the car before I came in, for heaven's sake! And now, here I am, alone, and gonna have to go through all this all over again....

The nurses told me again not to worry. "I'm going to go get Dr. S." the nurse said.

So, they left, and I waited. I texted Shane to let him know what was going on, and he was as incredulous as I was. He comforted me as best he could, and told me he was praying.

I just stopped my entire thought process right there and began to pray. I started to think over a verse that my friend had texted me before going in the office. I knew that I could give all my cares over to Jesus, because he cared so much for me. And I did. I was still nervous, still upset, but I knew, either way, that everything was going to be okay--one way or the other.

A bit later (wow, those 'few minute' waits can seems like hours!) my doctor came in with the portable sono machine. He took one look at me, grabbed my hand, and then started in. Immediately, he said, "Girl...this baby is fine! Look at him! Wiggling all around like a mad fool in there!"

I could certainly see the wiggling, but it still seemed to me that the baby could be wiggling from all the prodding on my belly. I was still uncertain.

"So, where is the flicker? I don't see a heart beating on there--does anyone else see it?"

I never did see the heart beating on screen, but my doctor assured me that he saw it, as well as the nurse. I don't know why, but even after their assurance, I still had doubt.

Being removed from the situation, I now know what that was that was causing my doubt. That was the devil, doing his best to keep that fear instilled in me. It worked for awhile, that's for sure.

I waited around for a while, because I had some labs to be done, and then I had to meet with my Nurse Practitioner for some basic stuff. At the end of the appointment, she asked, "Do you want to hear the heartbeat one more time?"

Oh, how I did.

She went and got the Doppler. It took her a while to find it too--seems like this is just a squirmy little kid! But, find it she did, and we listened for over a minute and a half to a very strong, 138 beats per minute heartbeat.


There is nothing like that sound.

I am rejoicing today that all seems well--and that I got to both hear and see my little peanut. (Side note here: I saw a perfectly round head, the whole spine, and even the little nubs *grin* of arms and legs forming! What. A. Miracle. There are just no other words.)

Many women come and go during their prenatal appointments with no thoughts of anything negative. For three pregnancies, I was that woman. But, things have changed--for me, and for so many others who have endured tragedies. Life looks very different after a miscarriage. This, in some strange way, is now my 'new' normal.

I know there will be an element of me that will be like this every appointment. An element that fears the unknown, fears what 'could be'. But, I also know that that fear is not from God, and I am praying that He is able to take that from me and give me peace.

All in all....it was a great day.


Kara said...

Glad to know the story now! I was praying hard girl all afternoon :) Can't wait to see pics of the little peanut!

Matthew 6:34

Shaina N said...

Yes, you will be like that every appointment. Even when you can feel him/her, the fear doesn't get any better when you walk in that door.

You're much stronger than me! I could have never gone alone! (I say that, but I went alone at 9w when I had a spotting scare. Singing hymns is the only thing that got me through!)

I cannot begin to consider how I would get through this without being a Christian. That small reassurance that no matter what happens, I still have hope, is enough!

I'm so happy you had a good appointment! (Eventually) it STILL took the nurse FOREVER to find the heartbeat at my 18 week appointment! By then I could feel her though!

Homegrown Tribe said...

Ahhhhh! Congrats!!!! I must have missed your announcement post when I marked all as read in my google reader. Bummer!!!!

How exciting! Yeah!

Praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy!!!


Amanda Hoyt said...

Hi Devin,
I was crying as I read this post - I completely identify with what you went through today! It is not easy after a loss...boy, I could say that again! You will never forget - but I do pray that the Lord will give you a peace that passes all understanding - one that you can feel confident that your little peanut will be fine throughout the next 25 weeks or so. I pray for you each day, friend.
Hugs and prayers,

Jen said...

Praise the Lord!!!

Julie said...

I totally got goosebumps reading this! I'm glad to hear everything worked out. Can't wait to hear more!

Mindy said...

I'm glad to read that everything is going well.

Kathy said...

Literally in tears.

I'm so sorry that something that once was so routine, was so scary. Oh the loss of the 'normal.'

But I am rejoicing that all is well! Wiggle sweet baby wiggle. We can't wait to hear all about you and meet you!

Rejoicing with you my friend...rejoicing...

Natalie said...

I'm so excited for you !! I missed the prenatal post but I'm glad I caught up. We've been on an adventure too but I'm so happy to hear everythings going well adn that you heard "peanuts" heartbeat. Praying for you and the precious little miracle in your womb :) congratulations !!

Shelly said...

it's amazing how one event can so profoundly affect the future, our feelings and our fears. even though it was devestating for me to lose two pregnancies--i can now look back thankful for how that loss changed my heart. it sounds awful, but it's as if i needed to go through the pain to fully appreciate the blessings i have! and boy, oh BOY, the joy of pregnancy is so much deeper now that i've experienced the pain of loss! i'm praying for you and the continued healing of your heart and for your sweet little one. every one of them is a miracle! i'm so so happy for you!

Rachel said...

Sorry that you had to go through the scary moments at your appointment but so glad to hear that the baby is actually strong and healthy.

After four miscarriages I went in to deliver my first baby, Rose, and they could not find her heartbeat in the hospital, the nurse told me the monitor was broken and went to get another one. I did not believe her that it was broken and thought the worst, but she came back with a new monitor and we heard that beautiful sound! Two hours later I was holding my first beautiful, helathy, miracle baby in my arms!

I will continue praying for you to be able to enjoy your pregnancy and for satan not to steal your joy and peace while you are growing this sweet baby. Can't wait to see pictures of the little one. Do you guys find out what you are having before birth? or do you wait for the big day?
Hugs and Prayers

PS I have a doppler (after 7 miscarriages it is great peace of mind) that I am definitely not in need of right now, with a six week old in the house;) If you would like to borrow it I would love to send it to you. It really helped me to be able to check the HB between Doctors appointments making the appointment day less stressful. The great thing is my girls loved to hear the baby's HB, and I loved trying to figure out where she was and if I had really felt her. Please let me know if you would like to borrow it.

Brittany said...

After 4 miscarraiges, I was so incredibly fearful too. It was soooo hard not to be. I used the verse "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I quoted it ALL of the time. I also rented a doppler. It really helped a LOT. Is it possible your uterus is posterior or tipped? That can cause the heart beat to be hearder to hear and also may mean you won't feel this baby kick as much too. I have some friends who've had that.

I'm so relieved for you, that all is fine. I've had that very thing happen to me and baby not be fine so many times. It's hard. BUT, God has used it for His glory.

Mary Ann said...

Devin, I'm am so grateful that all is well with "Peanut". I hope that you post before all of your upcoming appointments so that I can specifically pray for you. I've never been prego - obviously ;-) - but I understand the process of something horrible taking away your perception of the ordinary. It's a huge adjustment, but if you can get to the place where gratitude replaces the fear - knowing that God is in control & being grateful for the way He works - it is a tremendous blessing. "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus..."

Leanne said...

I'm rejoicing today that Peanut is doing well in there....

I can agree with the other ladies who've left comments about it being like that each time now at the Dr's office. It always is for me too.

But I'm glad you're standing on the promises that God gave us in His word. I sometimes have to repeat over and over and over a specific verse. Aren't you thankful for God's word???

I'll be remembering you in prayer, friend.

SarahMerritt said...


I have walked in your shoes. Every time you go to the doctor it will be like that. That fear will only go away when you are holding a baby in your arms. Loosing a baby to misscarriage to some is not a big deal but to you and I and many others it rocks us to our core. I am still sad about our babies who are in heaven even after having a baby. I think it will be this way when we try again in a few years for baby #2. Just know Peanut is loved by many and is in our thoughts and we are praying for a successful pregnancy and a happy healthy baby!


Amy said...

Congratulations on your new little one. I'm so glad everything went well at your appointment despite the scare. Although I don't know how I'll react yet, I'm sure I'll face many of those same fears through my next pregnancy, and oh how I want a next pregnancy so badly. Praying for you and yours.

Anonymous said...

oh Devin! Couldn't get through this post without crying. I have been there. xoxo

Carolyn said...


I am so sorry to hear that happened to you but also am rejoicing that this story had a happy ending. Thankful that your little one is squirming around and has a healthy heartbeat - he (ha,ha) may just be the one who scares you at every stage of his development!

I continue to pray for your family and this pregnancy.

Love you, Care