Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Bleh

I'm in a funk.


I know it....now you know it, too. If, you know, you hadn't already suspected that something was up due to my lack of blogging.


I knew it would happen. It's almost as if I've been waiting on it.


It usually hits me on the ride home from my in-laws house after Thanksgiving. We always have such a wonderful time, and it always goes too quickly. Before you know it, the mini-vacation is over and done, and we are in the car headed back home--a home that is over two hours from our nearest relatives, and almost 10 hours from the others.


I get all teary, and cry for a while about the family that I won't see again for another whole year. My niece and nephew especially, who will be so much older and may not even remember me next time they see me.


It is reminiscent of my younger days, when I was a teenager, and I would get on a plane and leave my Dad and family in New Jersey after a summer visit to come back home to my Mom in Illinois, and knowing that when I saw my brother and sister again, they would be so much different, in so many ways.


Knowing you are losing precious time with people you love.....it's hard.


This year, it's all that.....and more.


This year, when we put the tree up and got all the ornaments out, there wasn't a new first ornament for the tree like there was supposed to have been.


This year, the family ornament that I will buy will only have five people represented, and not six like I thought there was going to be.


This year, when all of our family got together at Thanksgiving, there were only two new babies, instead of the three new ones we all thought there would be last year at this time.


The roller coaster of emotions of hitting this one year mark.....it's just hard for me.


I've been expecting this to hit me, and I've been trying to semi-prepare myself for it, but it didn't really work. I can hide it pretty well, and did so in front of everyone last week (for the most part, anyway). But I just sort of feel like an emotional wreck. I cry for no reason.....one minute I can be okay, the next minute I am dissolved into the 'ugly' cry, and then the very next minute I can be okay again. I just have those moments.


And, by the way, it's not just the 'baby' thing. There are other things, too, that I'm dealing with right now. I am sort-of in the middle of this wrestling match with God. How dumb is that, right? I know HE wins, every time, but my three-year-old mindset still likes to throw the occasional temper tantrum every once in a blue moon. Someday, I hope to move past that.....


No, the baby is not the only thing....but it ranks right up there at the top of the list as the toughest to deal with.


The most wonderful thing I got after we lost our baby last year was this miniature tricycle. My mom gave it to me, instead of flowers--so we would always have something visual to remind us of the baby. It has winter foliage (like pine branches) on it, that are flocked with fake snow, and red holly berries. It also has miniature lights, that Shane hooked up to a small touch-pad light switch. You can touch it and the trike lights up. It is the most beautiful thing, and ever since I got in on December 14th of last year, it has sat in it's special spot in the bookcases Shane built.


I've never told anyone this, not even Shane (although, he certainly will read it later) and I don't even know why I am saying this now, except that I feel like all this 'letting it out' is making me feel somewhat better. The touch-pad on the trike has four levels, and you can adjust how bright you want the lights to shine. It's a really neat feature....but I have, for the last almost 365 days, used those lights as something a bit different.


They are my grief gage.


When I am having a good day, I leave the lights off. Alternatively, when I am having a particularly rough day, I keep the lights all the way up. I turn them on, and every time I walk in the living room, they are ablaze in their special spot. I can't put my finger of why, but seeing that makes me feel a bit better. Like there is a part of my baby that is still here with us.


The lights have been full blast since coming home Sunday night.


I don't anticipate turning them off at all until after the holidays.


It all goes back to the losing precious time with the ones you love aspect.


I got 13 weeks with my baby....that was it. I took for granted that there was going to be so much more than that, but there wasn't. I lost so much precious time that I had anticipated having. All the birthdays, all the holidays, all the fun stuff we were going to do together. And then, all of a sudden, our baby was gone, and now I didn't get any more time.


Wham. Gone. Just like that.


On these hard days, I feel that I was robbed of the greatest gift God ever gives us. Robbed of the good times, the bad times, the traditions, the everything. Just robbed.


Even still a year later, that hurts.


I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me. Please, don't. Grief is what it is--and it is different things to different people. You may be reading this and thinking, "Sheesh....it's been a year. Isn't she over this already?" or you may be thinking, "I know exactly how she feels". This is just about what my grief is to me right now, and I just needed to let it out.


I know all of the truths. I know that God is the giver of all life, and He can freely do with that life whatever He so chooses. He gives, and He takes away--and His name is to be praised in either case. I believe that and respect the choice He made for me. I know that that 'reality' of having my baby here for all those moments really wasn't MY reality to begin with--it was never meant to be for me.


I can see all of the good that has come out of what happened, and for everything I have learned, I am so grateful. I believe that now, even hurting as I am, I can truly say--knowing that my God only wants the very best for me, and that He will work out everything that happens to me to be for my greater good--that this was the very best thing for me at this time in my life.


But, there are still hard days--some, like today, very, very hard.


Bleh.


13 comments:

Kirst said...

Oh Devin as a friend, which I think we are, I would love to be able to give you a great big hug. I can't imagine the emotions your are feeling right now, but know that there are so many people loving and praying for you. Hugs!!!!!!

Shelly said...

oh sweetie, this makes my heart ache--beacuse i've been there! i know that i could never understand exactly how you feel--but believe me when i say i will be praying for you! i still struggle over the loss of my babies (1 year ago tomorrow is the anniversary of my second miscarriage) and even though God has granted me the joy of a new baby since that time my heart still aches to hold the little ones i was never able to. i am so thankful--SO THANKFUL that we will get to spend ETERNITY with our babies--isn't that a wonderful blessing? it makes me look forward to heaven in a way i never could before. i understand how lonely it is to be far away from your family--i always thought that God would move me closer to "home" in the 8 years i've been married--but He's seen fit for me to make a new home here. Thank you for telling the story of the little light-mobile too--i got a ring to remember my little ones--with three december birth stones--2 to remember the baby who was supposed to be born that month, and the other who was lost that month and the 3rd to remember amelie's birthday in december. anyways, i'll be praying for you, and now i'm thankful that i know how to pray. thank you!

Julie said...

Oh Dev. My sweet friend. How I wish I could just hug you and cry with you (well, I'm crying with you anyway, even though we're so far apart).

I keep typing things and deleting them, because nothing seems like the "right" thing to say.

I'm praying for you, dear Devin. Praying, praying, praying.

The story of the little tricycle really touched my heart. I hope that, through Christ's love and the prayers of your friends and family, you will soon have more days when you can leave the lights off (or at least dim).

our family said...

Devin-
Just sending hugs and prayers your way from a mommy who has many little babies celebrating with your little one in heaven. It gets a little easier with time but it never goes away. I think the thing that makes it especially difficult for those of us that lose our babies earlier in pregnancy is that we didn't really get to see them. We don't have any pictures or footprints or baby blankets that they were wrapped in. (That is why your little tricycle is such a sweet reminder. MY Dh got me a mothers necklace with three little pearls in it after our third loss). We miss out on some of the steps of grief as we are not really given a chance to celebrate this little ones precious life with any type of service or memorial. Also so many people even close friends and family don't understand the loss in the same way we do since the baby was never a real person to them as it is to us. They just expect you to get over it right away. Praying for you as you are missing your little one and dreaming of what could have been. Praying as you miss your far away friends and family.
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel

Kara said...

Sweet, sweet friend, how I wish we were closer and could be in our funks together! Sorry to dump on you without even thinking about you! I will be praying for you as you wade through this! I don't have the words to comfort you, but know that I am asking God to wrap His big Daddy arms around you and get you through day by day! Love, hugs, and prayers to you!

Shannon said...

Devin,
I have never posted on your blog before. I have followed you for a while. I appreciate your humor and your truth. I want you to know that I am praying for you: for strength and comfort.

Shannon in TN

Merritts said...

I understand what you mean when you are in the car thinking about the week and how fast it went. I can't believe it either. We need to think about the summer and our trip to Missouri! If we start planning soon maybe it will happen. Then it's only a few months till we see each other again. And DEVIN, Reese and Callen WILL KNOW YOU. I promise. We have all of our extended fam's pic's up and they get to look at them EVERY SINGLE DAY. Reese was just asking about you guys yesterday and went right to our board and looked at you guys. I wish that there was a middle ground where we weren't all so far. Who knows maybe someday. I'm praying for you especially this week to get through the "funk" and that God will give you peace about this precioius loss.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry Dev! I've been thinking about you as this time got closer. I am so not good with words but you are in my thoughts. It is great that you have something to remind you of your baby, I don't have anything and wish I did. I do have an ornament
for our Christmas tree for the baby, no one knows about it though. Thanksgiving day was 7 years for me! I wish I could help you more. It still sucks.

Nancy said...

Devin,

My heart is broken for you right now. I lost what would have been our 1st and 3rd to early miscarriages, and even though we have four and another on the way, I still always remember what could have been.

I pray that you will be comforted this holiday season and will be able to enjoy your sweet little boys. And that in God's time your family will grow in just the way He desires.

Much love and prayers,
Nancy

Kathy said...

Praying in the midst my friend...

Jo Princess Warrior said...

I found myself at times crying over my miscarriage 3 years after it happened. I did blog about how God gently healed the pain if you'd like to read a story of hope. It's under my labels 'loss'.

My baby's due date was to be 25th December.

Praying that you feel The Comforter with you. xoxo

Princess Gabby and Prince Hunter said...

Oh I'm so sorry about your loss. I have had three miscarriages and it is so incredibly hard. But I know God never makes mistakes and I know that my daughter would not be here had we not been through such heartache. We brought here home from Guatemala in 2006 and then got pregnant a year later and I also have a big baby boy! I always picture my three babies dancing and twirling in heaven smiling down on us where I will see them someday. Until then, I know that I have two amazing children here with me every day that are here because of what we went through. Also know that I still cry for my babies sometimes, people like to put timelines on grief but losing a child will stay with you forever. It is something you will never forget. I will say a prayer tonight for the baby that you lost and for your sweet family. Merry Christmas to your family. I'll keep up with you guys!

Anonymous said...

Dev..I'm so sorry..and you will never get over and should never be expected to get over ever ever after loosing a child... it will be 3 years on Feb.7, 09 that my parents lost their only son and my only brother. It still hurts today as it did the day he died. We will never "get over it". We have learned to live life, without him, but we will never just get over it. I understand your grief. Just wanted to say that. -sioby